the five things they don’t tell you when you’re starting a self love journey

Deciding to start a self love journey is something I applaud because it’s so beneficial and such a great way to spend time learning how to love yourself more.

When I was starting my self love journey, I was shocked to find it a little harder than I expected. I was anticipating cute solo dates, painting and listening to SZA would solve all my problems. But I was so wrong. Those things are helpful and are a part of my journey, but the reality is it’s dirtier, messier and it’s not always fun.

You’ll have days where you have cute self love moments, and then you’ll have moments you’re crying your eyes out or getting mad at yourself for all the things you’ve allowed. You’ll have moments where everything hurts so much or times when you’re missing someone you shouldn’t.

There’s a lot I didn’t know when I first started, and I think it’s important to be transparent and authentic as you approach a self love journey. And there’s five specific things I want you to know as you get started:

1. It’s not as easy as you think. And it’s especially not linear.

It’s not always easy to take note of a low self esteem, self worth, self compassion, self image, etc. and decide that it’s something you want to work to improve. It’s not easy to constantly hype yourself up and slowly stop tearing yourself down. It’s not easy to reframe your thinking and life views. It’s not easy to put yourself first and set boundaries.

It’s also not linear. There will be times when you can’t help the ruminating thoughts or the days you just want to lay in bed and think about everything wrong with yourself. There will be ups, and there will be a lot of downs. Give yourself grace and remember the bad feelings or the regression won’t last forever. Try your hardest to get yourself out of that negative space when you can, but be slow and patient with yourself because that’s self love.

2. You need to spend time alone.

It’s nice to fill your time to distract yourself if you’re going through a breakup, friends/family fallout, a tough time, etc. It gives a distraction and allows you to get out of your head. If it’s healthy and helps you, I’m all for it!

But the thing I wish I knew when I started my self love journey is you also have to spend time alone. You’re not going to have a distraction 24 hours of the day. And those times can hit a little hard, especially at night for me.

You’re going to have to get comfortable spending time with yourself. You’re going to have to get comfortable taking yourself out. You're going to have to learn how to enjoy your own company. This is hard for the ones who don’t necessarily like themselves and being alone with yourself. There’s been times in my life where I didn’t feel like I loved or even liked myself, so it’s something that may be hard but necessary in your self love journey.

3. It involves a lot of restructuring negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts can be inevitable. While “just think positive” is something I won’t promote because I don’t think it’s that easy, I do think there’s power in the art of restructuring negative thoughts into more positive ones through practice and learning your mind. Something I learned through therapy that has stuck with me for years is that you sometimes need to sit with sadness and negative thoughts to get over it.

If you have bad thoughts, it’s not always the best thing to just suppress them. Acknowledge them. Let them pass through. Be mindful of what you allow to affect you. Just because certain thoughts pop up doesn’t mean they have to stay. But it also can be very, very challenging to get rid of them. Go slow and give yourself grace. You’ll be a master if you work at it a little each time.

4. It’s not hearts & butterflies. It’s uncomfortable.

Like I mentioned before, I thought it would be cute solo dates, painting and listening to SZA all the time. I thought it’d be journaling once a day and smiles 24/7. I thought it’d be spending time with friends and all my loneliness would be gone. I thought it’d be hearts, butterflies and sunshine!

The reality is it’s uncomfortable. You’re constantly going back and forth with yourself. You're breaking down insecurities, preconceived notions and emotions. It’s good days and bad days. It’s learning to accept the days that aren’t so good and that being okay. If it’s uncomfortable and unsatisfying, but you feel as though you’re making some kind of progress, please keep going. It’ll get better.

5. You may have to cut people or things off.

As you progress through reaching different levels of self love, you may run into realizations that certain people, habits, things, activities, etc. aren’t serving you and aren’t beneficial to your self love journey.

When it comes to people, it may be scary to think of cutting someone off. I blocked someone for the first time when I was 22. Now I feel more comfortable blocking anyone if I feel the need to. If you make me uncomfortable, if you’re playing in my face, if you’re being disrespectful, if you’re hindering my self love progress and negatively impacting how I view myself, you are getting blocked.

I thought I would be able to ignore people. I thought I’d be so self confident and know what’s best for myself that I wouldn’t even need to block them. I planned on being unbothered and unaffected by other people’s presence. But that’s not always the case.