how to navigate not being someone’s first choice
Oof. This one hurts a little to write. I’ve been there. You’ve maybe been there. It sucks, and it’s never a good feeling or going to sit right with me. But there are ways to cope with not being someone’s first choice.
It’s difficult to hear that someone doesn’t want you. It hurts to know that you want to be with someone, and they don’t see you in that way. It sucks when they still want you in their lives. I’ve made sooo many mistakes in my early (and mid-ish) twenties. I wish I could take some things back, and I wish I was stronger in some aspects.
I’m still (embarrassingly, somewhat) dealing with this. So let’s give some background:
21-year-old me had a crush on this guy that I was talking to. But it was short-lived. Only lasted a month because I realized he had a girlfriend. Woo! So fun. We went in and out of contact, and they eventually broke up. Then we became “special” friends (I hate the phrase “friends with benefits.” And I actually still talk to him to this day.)
22-year-old me talked and went on dates with a different guy for a few months. Then I brought up the convo about being more than friends (lesson I’ve learned: if you have to bring it up, he most likely doesn’t want you.) He’s like “ehh, I don’t know about that.” A few days later he’s like “actually I want to work on a relationship with you.” A few more days later he’s like “actually no, I don’t want this with you.” Thanks pal. And no, I don’t still talk to him.
23-year-old me met the guy who wrecked my mental health :) We talked and dated for a couple months, and then I (again) brought up the convo of “I want to be with you.” He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (granted, he got out of a 4 year relationship a few months before and was new to the city.) We were on & off dating for 2 years (yes, I am stupid!) and we were “addicted” to each other. I was so into him, and I knew he was into me — just wasn’t his first choice and he’d remind me he didn’t want a relationship every time I tried. Then he ends up in a relationship with another girl (so freaking fun.) And that definitely wrecked me and very hard experience to navigate.
25-year-old me meets a cute boy and talked for a few months. I could kind of get the sense he wasn’t for me long term. It was more of texts & FaceTime than anything to be honest. But I was frustrated by his lack of efforts at times. We stop talking. Then I see an Instagram post at the end of that year showing he just got engaged. Love that for me. It didn’t destroy me or anything, but just a very weird feeling.
25-year-old me also met the finest man I’ve ever talked to (so far!) We seemed perfect for each other and it was such a fast ride. We met and spent the next 7 days seeing each other in different capacities. It was so fun. I met his friends and was just having a great time. But this was all happening in the span of a month. We argued a couple times and went back and forth on what we’re doing. And I feel it’s important to point out that he got out of a two-year relationship with someone he couldn’t be with (for valid reasons) like six months or so before we met (make sure they’re fully healed or leave them alone!) And then we stopped talking suddenly because he “didn't realize/it didn’t cross his mind how we were gearing up for dating.”
I think it’s important to prove my unfortunate expertise on not being someone’s first choice! Now that we’ve gotten past my embarrassingly awful dating life, let’s discuss what I’ve learned and continue to learn about getting through this.
There’s always someone out there better than the last.
When it feels like you have no other options or that this is the best that it’s ever going to get, I want you to remember that there’s other, better options. It may not be easy to find “the one” or even someone better than the last immediately, but be patient and be open minded. Don’t let someone make you believe they’re the best thing to ever happen to you. Don’t let someone make you think you’ll never do better than them. Remember who you are, get up and be open to finding someone better.
As soon as I start talking to someone new who I’m starting to like or see potential in, I’m always like “what was I thinking? This is so great, and everything is going to be perfect.” (yes, I’m delusional.) And then if/when things don’t work out, I fall back into my old ways and want an old flame to fall back on or make me feel better temporarily. Which is why I fall into a cycle, leading me into my next point.
Don’t fall into a cycle. Though it’s so so so easy to fall into the cycle:
I’m not someone’s first choice.
I’m sad and try to navigate that feeling in my own way (not always the most graceful.)
A guy tells me he misses me or tries to reconnect.
I fall for it and talk to them again.
I’m reminded why this didn’t work out and get my heart broken a little more.
I try to make them fight for me and prove they want me.
They obviously don’t.
I pull away and try to heal from that pain.
Start again at #3.
Stop thinking this person will change — they won’t. If you’re not someone’s first choice, don’t try to convince them otherwise. I wish I wouldn’t have begged other people for love. Maybe if I had more romantic experience in my life, self respect and trust that I would find someone who would love me (still waiting, btw), I’d be better at letting people go.
But you need to be comfortable letting people go (and meaning it!!)
Time heals.
And when I say time, I mean distant, no contact time.
You need to be away from them -- reallyyy away from them. Delete their number (don’t memorize it). Block them. Do whatever works for you or whatever you have to do to be confident that you won’t contact them when you’re bored, lonely or miss them. It’s hard, especially the first few days. It gets easier, but you have to be consistent with it.
Soon you’ll stop thinking of them every minute of every day. Soon you’ll stop thinking of them every hour of every day. Soon you’ll stop thinking of them in total. Give yourself grace and remind yourself of why you are doing this.
Remind yourself that this person that you want so bad didn’t choose you. They didn’t show or prove that they are worthy of your love. You deserve more. You deserve someone who will choose you in every room. You deserve someone who will choose you in every life.
Don’t settle for the second choice option. Don’t let them make you feel like a second option. I promise you will be okay. I promise you will get through these feelings.
You deserve to be the right person’s first choice.
