a people pleasers’ guide to standing up for yourself
I am a people pleaser. I reallyyy wish I wasn’t. But here we are.
It’s just something I can’t control. I love the way praise, admiration and appreciation feels. I love making people happy. I love to be liked! Embarrassing? Maybe. But it’s the truth. And it can get messy very quickly.
Balancing self love and people pleasing is difficult, but the more you love yourself and want to prioritize yourself, the more you’re okay with doing and saying things that go against the desire or need to constantly please people.
Being too much of a people pleaser also has so many detrimental effects:
people take advantage of you
you end up saying “yes” too often
it’s hard/you feel guilty saying “no”
you find yourself in situations you could’ve avoided
you suppress your true emotions/feelings
there’s burn out from handling others’ load
can develop a fear of rejection
may have a constant worry about what people think of you
you can have weak boundaries
and you may notice a lack of identity
But I’m here to tell you that you can move past your people pleasing ways and will explain how!
But first let me give you some stats:
A whopping 48% of American adults would describe themselves as a people pleaser, according to a YouGov survey released in October. Women were most likely to identify themselves as a people-pleaser with 52% saying they “definitely or probably would” describe themselves as one compared to 44% for men.
In that same survey, 32% of the self-identified people pleasers believe they were socialized by others, while 52% believe people pleasing comes naturally to them.
We have to do better. We shouldn’t constantly feel the need to please others. Whether it’s been socialized in your life or if it comes naturally to you, I want us to be free from these feelings. And here are some steps we can take as we embark on this journey.
Set clear boundaries.
Boundaries are not my strong suit. If someone is being too needy, clingy, disrespectful or simply taking advantage of your niceness, you should feel empowered to shut that down.
It doesn’t even have to feel disrespectful. If you don’t like what someone is doing or how they're acting, I want you to know you can say something. It’s not “mean” to speak up for yourself. It may be mean if you do so in a rude way, but you should never, ever feel bad for standing up for yourself.
Here are some examples of things you can say while still being respectful:
“I think hitting me up every day is too much for me. I can devote xx amount of time to you, and I hope you can respect that.”
“I’m having a tough time right now, so can we reschedule our plans to next month?”
“I couldn’t answer your call last night. Can you call me before 10pm in the future?”
“Thanks for the invite, but I don’t feel comfortable going to xyz.”
“I don’t feel comfortable sharing such personal things about my life.”
“Do you mind not doing xyz? I don’t like physical touch or when people get too close to me.”
Or simply just “no.”
“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.”
— Aristotle
The hard part is also sticking to your boundaries. I’ll sometimes set boundaries, and then inevitably break them or let someone or something slide when I shouldn’t. It takes true discipline to be able to communicate effectively about what you will and will not allow, and then to take it a step further by standing on what you have communicated.
One of the worst situations I’ve gotten myself into is explaining to someone “I don’t like xyz and therefore, I’m not going to talk to you or hang out with you anymore.”
And guess what I’m doing a couple weeks later: talking and seeing them. I definitely got called out on this by a man this week too. Don’t allow yourself to be too accessible and available, especially when you’re not and you’re bending yourself over backwards to make yourself accessible and available to certain people.
Maybe it’s due to me not being great about standing on what I say or maybe it’s the lack of discipline. But I do know that it’s caused nothing but problems, especially the fact that this person no longer believes you or takes you seriously. They think they can say to do whatever they want, and you’ll allow it.
As a fellow people pleaser, setting boundaries and sticking to them isn’t easy, but it is powerful.
Practice assertiveness.
Why is it sooo hard to be assertive? I struggle so much with it. But not being assertive unfortunately leads to people taking advantage of you. And sometimes you won’t learn how to be assertive until someone or something messes with you to the point where you decide that’s enough.
It’s a cruel world. People shouldn’t be pushed to the point of having to be less nice. And we shouldn't let people take our kindness away from us.
I think there can be a balance though, and you learn the balance by practicing being assertive in different scenarios. Maybe it’s speaking up for yourself in a work meeting or simply being honest if you don’t like your nails at the nail salon.
“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.”
— Jim Carrey
What may start as finding little ways to vocally stick up for yourself may lead to you testing your limits and becoming more assertive over time.
And I’m not saying be a bitch or be mean to people! If there’s anything I promote, it’s kindness. But with that, I know that that kindness can be abused.
Say no.
Stop saying yes to things you don’t want to do, want to be a part of, don’t agree with, etc. You haveee to be comfortable saying no in this life. And if you’re not, let’s start to work on it baby.
Start off by saying no in low-stakes situations.
Do you like your sandwich at this sub place you’ve been excited to try?
No.
Do you want to go on a date with me even though you don’t like me?
No.
I know you have work early in the morning, but do you want to go out tonight?
No.
Would you go with me to this event even though it’s being hosted by someone you don’t like?
No.
Those might be random examples, but you get the idea. Say no when you feel like it! You can also give an explanation to why you're saying no, but don’t feel the need to overexplain. A simple “no, I can’t because of xyz” is sufficient.
Again, being cruel is not my intention. But this is not an article about being polite, it’s about being less of a people pleaser.
“If you live for peoples acceptance, you will die from their rejection.”
— Lecrae Moore
Stop worrying so much about if people like you.
Who cares???
(I do, unfortunately.) But in the grander scheme of life, who really cares if people like you? I know it feels great. Sometimes it feels like a drug to hear praise and things about you that someone likes. I live for that. It’ll give me a high for days.
But when you crave that so intensely, it sets a standard that you simply can’t sustain for the rest of your life. There are going to be people in your life who you want them to tell you nice, positive things, and that simply may not be their style.
Sometimes I encounter a boss or friend who aren’t into the business of reinforcing how they feel about me. You know the saying that if you don’t hear anything bad, that’s a good thing? Sometimes that is 100% true.
“The only thing wrong with trying to please everyone is that there’s always at least one person who will remain unhappy. You.”
— Elizabeth Parker
What I’m getting at is you have to make sure you like yourself (which is a whole nother issue). Once you like yourself, you stop caring as much about everyone other person’s opinion on you. And more than just liking yourself, you have to calm yourself down in those moments where it feels like other people hate you. I have to keep a sticky note in my desk drawer that says “you’re okay. everything’s going to be okay. no one hates you.”
It’s important to remind yourself when you’re overthinking. Call yourself out when you notice you’re craving attention or praise from someone. Call yourself out when you find yourself worrying if people like you!
