how to deal with being lonely
Loneliness is something we’ve all experienced before -- it’s a universal experience that’s hard to escape. Whether you're feeling lonely in a new city or environment, or you’re feeling lonely and neglected in a relationship, there are so many layers to this feeling.
Most advice I hear surrounding this topic involves joining a club or going out more with your friends, which is helpful but what if it’s something deeper. First of all, what friends am I expected to go out with? What hobbies would I join?
I want deep friendships, a meaningful romantic relationship and to be close with my family. Is that too much to ask for? I miss being so close to people in college. I miss being surrounded by people all the time. I miss the ease of meeting people and developing relationships with others.
Making friends as someone in their mid-twenties is so much harder because you really have to go out of your way to make plans with people, while you’re also not trying to come across as desperate or needy. It’s a balancing act that I’m still in the progress of mastering.
When you are feeling lonely, explore hobbies and solo activities you like, try to be open to connections in spaces you’re already in, don’t let people make you feel bad about online connections and try to find the root of the cause of your loneliness without placing blame on others.
There are little things I like to do when I find myself feeling lonely:
do something creative (painting & blogging are my top two hobbies of choice)
walking around the city & listening to music (I used to go on joy car rides when I lived in the south.)
solo dates (I love a coffee shop vibe or restaurant for lunch.)
I also love shopping (so Ulta/Sephora or bookstore vibes.)
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Now those are my favorite things to do when I’m feeling lonely or sad, but do you notice something about all of them? Yep, they’re all activities I do by myself. Although it helps me get out of my head or out of my apartment, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still alone.
Don’t blame others for your loneliness.
I love my friends, and I love hanging out with people. But people aren’t always available to socialize or do something. It’s something I’ve had to deal with and learn to accept over the past year. People have their own lives and their own relationships and aren’t available every time you are.
At first, it felt personal. My thoughts constantly raced on why my friends weren’t making time for me: Why don’t you want to hang out with me? Why are you so busy with everyone else but me? Are you ignoring me? I need new friends. I need to find other people who actually want to hang out with me, who actually like me.
These constant thoughts and blaming others for my loneliness wasn’t productive, and it didn’t solve the problem. At the end of the day, no matter how often I complain about feeling lonely or questioning why people don’t want to spend time with me, those comments and thoughts aren’t going to magically make people want to hang out with you.
I really had to learn how to be comfortable with myself long term. I had a roommate until I was 22. When I moved out, I was so happy for my freedom but soon after felt so lonely. It was going into the summertime, and I felt so young, turnt and happy going to clubs, festivals, brunch, etc. with my friends on a weekly basis. I was also casually dating someone at the time, so I was often hanging out with him and going over to his place. So when all this slowed down, it took me back and contributed to my feelings of loneliness.
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Since then, I’ve been able to appreciate the quiet moments and find comfort in the silence. I crave those times when I can do things with other people, but I’ve also learned to love my free time.
Be open to connections in spaces you’re already in.
I moved to a new city in 2021 after I graduated college. To this day, most, if not all, of my friends are people I met through work. I don’t even consider my friends as my coworkers. Some have left the company and gone on to do other things, and some of them I see almost every time I’m in the office.
I challenge you to be open to exploring the spaces that you’re already in and making an effort to befriend people in those spaces. It can be hard to expand your friend group or meet new likeminded people, but let’s start somewhere you already have to be. If you hate your coworkers or people in organizations you’re in and know that, then skip this section! But if you have a friend crush (someone you admire from afar and want to be closer with), this is your sign to shoot your shot!
Here are some shoot your shot suggestions:
spark a conversation one day
compliment something they’re wearing
ask if they want to grab coffee in the break room
share something funny that happened at work
ask if they have any fun weekend plans
And maybe you’re a part of other organizations or communities that your future potential buddies are in. This applies to people you see every week at church, regulars at the grocery store, your hairstylist or nail lady, friends of your friends, etc. There’s several different communities that you can tap further into and make the first move to a deeper friendship.
Don’t let people make you feel bad about online connections.
I think when it comes to friends and loneliness, we try to police it too often. We try to give advice like it’s so easy, but the truth is society has changed and the rules to making friends has changed.
People are meeting and finding friends online and through social media. Growing up I’ve been told, watched movies, and read stories related to meeting people online and bad things happening. I think we should be careful of who we meet and the connections we make online, but I don’t think you should feel bad about having a connection with people you met on social media or even a video game.
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I don’t know why it feels embarrassing or “not real.” I feel like kids these days, especially during covid-19, have made friendships online, and they’re told that they need to make “real friends” or are discouraged from fostering those relationships. I’m not advocating for meeting up with strangers, and I do fear stranger danger and bad things happening, etc.
But I also do acknowledge we’re in a new era where most of us do have people we only socialize with online and those friendships and connections are real. So instead of shaming others for who’ve they met on a dating app or talk to while playing video games, let’s promote online safety, while encouraging and suggesting ways to be smart about it.
Remind yourself that it’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Too often, I feel embarrassed to admit that I feel alone because I feel like it makes me look less cool or like I don’t have friends or a man in my life. Sometimes I even contribute to the negative talk and think those things about myself. Over the summer, I even admitted to a couple of my friends how I felt neglected and complained how they hadn’t had that much time to hang out with me since they got into relationships.
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While I did that in a chill way without attacking them or making assumptions, I felt so nervous and bad for expressing myself and being honest about my feelings.
While I’m glad I did it, and I always encourage you to voice your feelings to people, it taught me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and it’s okay to feel lonely. I may feel bad for not having a man sometimes, and I may feel bad because I don’t always have friends to hang out with. But those are realities of being an adult. Those are realities of being a single woman in this world.
Loneliness affirmations
When you’re feeling lonely, it can lead to negative thoughts about yourself or situation, as well as sad or depressing emotions involving your relationships with friends and family. It’s never a good feeling, and it truly sucks knowing that you feel alone in a world as big as this.
Here are a dozen affirmations for when you’re feeling lonely that I hope will make you feel a little better:
the universe fills the spaces I once called loneliness with peace, purpose & self discovery.
I release resistance to being alone and open my heart to the lessons it brings.
peace finds me in the quiet moments, reminding me that I am enough.
being alone does not mean I am unworthy of love. it means I have space to cherish myself.
I am not lonely. I am learning how deeply I can love myself.
I do not chase connection. I attract the right souls by being authentically me.
the people who are meant for me will find me when the time is right.
I am open to meaningful connections that align with what is best for me.
my solitude is a sacred space where I can reconnect with myself.
this season of loneliness is preparing me for a deeper connection with myself and others.
solitude is where I nurture my dreams.
I allow myself to feel lonely without letting it define me.
