how to cope with feeling unlovable
A boy told me he loved me today -- the first time this has happened in my life.
It was a text: “ok, love you be safe”
I’m 25 and happy about a text (from the only boy I also loved too.) I don’t know whether to feel giddy and excited that someone is actually capable of loving me, or if I should feel sad and embarrassed that this is just now happening and he’s in a relationship.
(For background, we “casually dated” on and off for 2 years and the peak was 2022/2023. And we've had each other blocked but had a quick convo before blocking again. Read more about my sad love life here.)
So I pose an important question: what are the consequences of being in your mid-twenties thinking no one loves you?
Maybe he said that because a couple months ago I expressed to him how unlovable and terrible I feel a lot of the time. But would people say they love you and not mean it? (Yes, but would he?) Or maybe he meant it. Why do I feel the need to diminish it or overthink it?
It’s really, really hard to feel unlovable, lonely and like there’s something wrong with you.
If you’re feeling unlovable, you can cope with those feelings by finding hobbies and activities to spend meaningful time with yourself, practicing self confidence through self affirmations and doing things that make you feel your best, and constantly reminding yourself of those in your life who love you.
read more: what it’s like to be addicted to someone: a lover girl's perspective
While I don’t want to put too much weight in that little text, I’m going to use it in those moments where I feel unlovable. Try to find those moments, whether it’s with your friends, family, pet, etc., where you truly do feel loved and hang on to them. These types of love can be different from romantic love, and that’s what I feel is lacking from my life. But in those really lonely and unbearable moments, I lean on knowing that there’s at least one person who appreciates and loves my presence.
You deserve to feel loved. If no one has told you recently, let me remind you that you are more than worthy of it. If you’ve had people say they didn’t want you, love you, respect you, etc., honestly fuck them. It’s not a reflection of you. It’s always a reflection of them. You may stick around for longer than you need to, but they are guilty of keeping you around knowing that they don’t want or love you.
They’re guilty of being selfish and keeping tabs on you. They’re guilty of making you feel loved enough or liked enough that you think you have something special going on. I may not have the experience to tell you what true love feels like, but I know damn sure it’s nothing I’ve experienced yet.
I want someone so sure of me. I want someone who is so open about how they feel about me that they can’t help but tell me. I want someone who shows me their love constantly. And I want that for you too.
Self confidence is complicated and messy. It goes up and down. Speaking of this boy, he told me “to love yourself a bit more.” Ouch. He’s right though, and it wasn’t a place of evil or trying to be mean. He was truly giving me advice in that specific moment. But ouch. Self confidence and I have our ups and downs. Some days I’m so confident in myself and others I struggle so hard to even like myself.
I do accept too much from men, and I would accept less if my self confidence was higher. But my self confidence would be higher if I had more positive experiences with men. I don’t want to sound like I center men in my life and my confidence relies on them. But it does impact my self image sometimes. I think it’s fair to say past relationships can influence your self image and self confidence.
When I’m feeling very low in self confidence, I try to hype myself up by repeating affirmations to myself, writing down thing I love about myself and looking back on old photos and videos where I felt my best. I try to snap it in the bud, but when those thoughts linger, it causes me to dig myself in a hole where it’s more difficult to escape.
Here are a few affirmations about self love & feeling unlovable:
I am worthy of love, even on the days I don't feel like it.
I don't fear rejection because I am already enough for myself.
I am not for everyone, and that’s okay -- the right people see me for who I truly am.
not everyone deserves access to my energy, and that’s okay.
I don’t need to change a single thing about myself to be beautiful.
I let go of old thoughts that tell me I am unworthy.
I attract the kind of love that reflects the love I give myself.
I am worthy of relationships that feel like home.
I deserve people in my life who honor my heart.
love is not something I have to earn -- I am already enough.
the right people will see my light and never ask me to dim it.
I trust the timing of my life.
I don’t settle.
If you’re feeling unlovable, you do have to love yourself extra hard in those low moments. But more than that, you have to convince yourself of the fact that you are loved enough. And if you’re not convinced of that, you have to do the loving. It’s a cycle! A never-ending cycle. To me, it’s not enough to be like “oh, I’m confident, I love myself, done!” It’s a never-ending feeling. Some days (or even hours) I feel so loved, and some days (or even hours) I feel like everyone hates me and how could someone possibly love me??
Hence the fact that the feeling unloved may come in the form of a cycle. It’s something you have to constantly remember to work on. If you’re feeling loved right now, I want you to remember this moment. Remember this feeling. Don’t let anything take that away from you. There’s power in knowing and feeling love from others in this world because of how cruel it is.
If you’re feeling unloved right now, know that better days are coming. Know that you’re worthy of it. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for craving it. You’re not a bad person, boy/girl-obsessed or lack major self worth/confidence for wanting it. Try to lean on other forms of love in your life, and trust that your time is coming.
Read more: how to deal with being lonely
