what it’s like to be addicted to someone: a lover girl's perspective
A boy asked -- no begged -- me to block him yesterday. How embarrassing??
Granted, we’ve been on and off cool for the past three years. And we’ve gone through ups and downs and said “this is the last time” countless times. I truly can’t count. But this time felt final (I say for the 50th time.) But truly felt final.
And I did block him last night. It’s just I’ve never had someone ask me to block them. It definitely hurt, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re addicted to someone.
(update: I unblocked him two days later and texted him, just to find out I’ve been blocked! So I cried & proceeded to block him again woo! Officially adding “being blocked” to the list of things that’s never happened to me before until now.)
Addiction to another human is such a weird feeling. I think I’ve felt addicted to a couple people, which is never a healthy feeling. And this isn’t a post about breaking addictions, but if you know how to, please let me know! This is a post about exploring why and how we can be addicted to people.
“An addictive relationship can be described as a relationship in which you obsessively give attention to your partner without giving enough of it to yourself. A person in such a relationship feels incomplete or unhappy without their partner,” according to WebMD.
What immediately pops up to me is “obsessively” because that’s exactly what it feels like.
Being addicted to someone feels like an obsession. This person turns into something I need to have and something I can’t live without. I feel so impulsive sometimes, like I need to text, call or see them right then and there.
And if and when I don’t get a quick enough response or the ability to see them, I crash out so hard. I have a meltdown sometimes, or I get upset, angry, jealous, etc. and lead myself into a rumination of negative thoughts on why I’m not good enough to respond to. I tend to ignore all the warning signs and focus on doing what my emotions tell me to do.
related content: how to navigate not being someone’s first choice
Warning signs
Addiction Center, an informational web guide for those struggling with addictions, lists several signs of a relationship addiction. Some of the examples they list include:
making up and breaking up often
using sex to fix the relationship
feeling exhausted by frequent highs and lows
experiencing relationship obsessiveness
feeling unloved, resentful, or undesired
being unable to leave the relationship
allowing the partner back after misconduct
If you relate to some of those, then you’re just like me, and it’s an unfortunate feeling to know that you are in an unhealthy situation. It’s even worse to want to ignore all of the signs and go back to them when you “miss them.”
When you’re constantly making up and breaking up with someone, it creates a sense of normality. You get used to it, and you learn to expect it. You crave the good moments because it feels like a drug. It feels like your soul and being are warm and cozy, like all of your insides are heating up with love and comfort.
But in the low moments, depression and guilt can hit. It feels like you’ve been hit by a train after ignoring the flashing stop lights on the railroad.
“Addiction, at its worst, is akin to having Stockholm Syndrome. You’re like a hostage who has developed an irrational affection for your captor. They can abuse you, torture you, even threaten to kill you, and you’ll remain inexplicably and disturbingly loyal.” – Anne Clendening
Attachment styles
Then my research on addictive relationships led me to get into attachment styles, which are so complex and complicated. I think my personal experience with attachment styles is that past “relationships” and “situationships” have turned me into who I am and the anxious style of attachment I have. I wouldn’t say it came from my parents or upbringing.
PsychCentral suggests attachment styles have an influence on your relationships and how you approach them. They propose a secure attachment style tends to support balanced relationships, while an insecure attachment style can potentially cause more stress.
They cite research concluding insecure attachment styles, especially anxious and avoidant types, were more likely to be associated with less satisfaction in relationships. And other research connected anxious attachment with lower levels of trust in romantic relationships.
“If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel like you can’t rely on your partner to consistently meet your needs, which can lead to fear of abandonment,” said PsychCentral.
“Fear of abandonment can make it feel like any relationship is better than being alone. And if you feel this way, it can be harder to break off a relationship even when you know it might not be the right choice for you.”
I definitely think I have some sort of anxious attachment style. I tend to be more anxious and obsessive when I really like someone. When dating, I need reassurance and to know how you feel about me. That may stem from a fear of abandonment from past situations. I haven’t had a consistent and steady relationship ever, so I fear that affects how I handle dating in the early stages and why I have trouble with becoming addicted to someone.
“What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty.” – David R. Hawkins
It almost feels like this person still wants to be in my life, so I’m going to hang on as tight as I can and hope they stay in my life as long as possible because I need them. And then those thoughts cycle repeatedly.
related content: the five things they don’t tell you when you’re starting a self love journey
Addictive personality
I think I also have an addictive personality. When I try a new food I love, I need it back to back. If I hear a song I really like, it becomes the song I listen to everyday multiple times a day. And then alcohol and marijuana have also played their own cruel part in my life.
I think with the latter two it helps me to escape from my feelings. It allows me to “calm down” from crash outs and forget or distract myself from the person I feel addicted to at the moment.
“She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel her feelings.” – Ellen Burstyn
Again, this post isn’t about breaking addictions or right from wrong. Self love isn’t always healthy, and it’s not always pretty. It’s real. It’s raw. And it’s honest.
